THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF FANTASY FOOTBALL DRAFTING

Don't look now but the annual sickness is about to creep its way back into our daily, stagnant lives. The time consuming, almighty habit that borders on obsessive, compulsive, hides just right around the corner. The occurrence that I speak of is, of course, our annual fantasy football draft and consequential lineup decisions.

Our Sunday mornings will go from peaceful and quiet, to a process of scrambling for information and checking media outlets for the very latest in player news. We will weave our way through fabricated injury reports, rehash game match ups 1000 times in our heads and even listen to countless so called experts who may just be flipping a coin to give us their educated, genius lineup selections. We will drop and drag, change our minds, and even ponder last minute desperation pick ups, right until the moment that our screen locks up to signal kickoff.

Fantasy football, in my life, has come to be known as a sort of warped family affair. Each August we swarm together at my in law's house to firmly prove that my football knowledge reigns supreme. The anticipation is bubbling as I gather around the table with some of the finest folks I know including my sister in laws (OOPS! I think I meant my brother in laws.) My mind races as I remind myself that there is rarely a pleasure in life so sweet as to whip the pants off of your father in law, while verbally assaulting him in the mix.

With this being said, I don't want to give anyone the impression that we are barbaric in nature. And since there is no web cam available to view the painful carnage of my brother in laws after a Saturday night on the town, we will pretend that business is always conducted in an orderly fashion. However, it never fails to arise at any of our annual gatherings, that a major group of fantasy football violations are committed by my competitors. So without delay, I proudly present to you this years etiquette lesson known as the ten commandments of fantasy football drafting.

X THOU SHALT TAKE YOUR ASPIRIN EARLY SUNDAY MORNING AS TO AVOID HANGOVER TARDINESS TO THE DRAFT

IX THOU SHALT HAVE THE COOLER FILLED WITH THE FINEST BEVERAGES OF CHOICE FOR ALL DRAFT PARTICIPANTS

VIII HONOR THY MOTHER IN LAW BY GRACIOUSLY DINING ON THE FEAST THAT SHE HAS SPENT ENDLESS HOURS COOKING.

VII THOU SHALT NOT DOUBLE DIP THE SALSA NOR VIOLATE THE 45 SECOND RULE OF EATING SCRAPS THAT HAVE FALLEN TO THE FLOOR

VI THOU SHALT PREPARE RESEARCH NOTES ON SOME FORM OF MATERIAL BESIDES TOILET PAPER.

V THOU SHALT NOT STEAL THY NEIGHBORS PLAYER LISTS AT RISK OF A FIRM BITCH SLAP

IV HONOR THY COMMISSIONER AND IF APPLICABLE, RUB HIS BALD, AGING HEAD AND POT BELLY FOR LUCK

III THY SHALL RESPECT THE DRAFTING CLOCK AND UNDERSTAND THAT TEMPORARY BRAIN CELL LOSS LENDS NO SYMPATHY FROM THE LEAGUE

II THOU SHALT NOT DRAFT A KICKER NOR TEAM DEFENSE IN THE FIFTH ROUND OR SOONER ( DON'T DENY IT, WE KNOW THAT YOU EXIST)

I THOU SHALT NOT EXCESSIVELY DRAFT NON PRODUCTIVE PLAYERS FROM YOUR FAVORITE TEAM. ESPECIALLY AVOIDING ANY PLAYER WHO YOU "CLAIM' ACTUALLY REMEMBERS YOUR NAME FROM HIGH SCHOOL.


   Ladies and gentlemen, thank you once again for your attention in this serious matter of sport manners and etiquette. I wish all of you the best of luck and fortune in this years draft. And I promise to post an abundant amount of celebratory photos as I take home the highly coveted trophy.