It goes without saying that any devoted NFL fan has at one time or another had aspirations of participating at some level in the game. Whether you have yearned to step under center, man the sidelines, or just make that crucial management decision to cut that under performing bum, we have all pondered the prospect of living in the gridiron spotlight. So, for you, the fans and the dreamers, I have prepared a clever everyday list of things that you could do better than active NFL coaches.1. I have a firm belief that the average fan could win more replay challenges, manage time and give more stimulating press conferences than Andy Reid. Coach Reid is notorious for letting the red flag fly out of his pocket with reckless abandon, for using timeouts like the game lasts one half, and for giving reporters the much needed sleep that they have desired. The common fan knows when to argue (with the wife) and when to give up the fight. We all have deadlines at work and busy family schedules that we must perfect by using our organizational and time management skills. And we have been known to deliver powerful work presentations that have captured the minds and emotions of our superiors. One point for the NFL fan.
2. We can control our team and exercise disciplinary procedures more efficiently than Wade Phillips. Phillips is quickly earning the distinction as the coach with the most talented roster that refuses to live up to their lofty salaries. His players speak out of turn at press conferences, they have heated debates on the sidelines, and his ten year old offensive coordinator is drooling to take his job. All of this while he stares,like a rigid zombie on the sidelines. Last time I checked, all of us have been able to put our children in check when they misbehave. The majority of common folks set specific guidelines and expectations and dare I say enforce consequences when rules are broken. Check goes to the fan
3. We conduct ourselves with more class and dignity than Rex Ryan. The king of obscenity, screams, curses and berates all who fall within an earshot. The only time his team or the opposition is safe occurs when his mouth is filled with a pile of Oreos or Twinkies. What Rex the genius has not discovered is the reality that he motivates his enemies and places undue pressure on the very football squad that he should be protecting. So for all of you fans who have successfully mingled at a party, attended a dinner, or spoke in public without being offensive--- DING DING! You are a winner! Hell, anyone who has ever stuck to a diet for more than two days has the slight edge over Ryan.
4. We feel superior to any member of the Detroit Lions coaching staff. Have you ever won anything? Ever? A pickup basketball game? An instant lottery ticket? A game of tic tac toe against a five year old? Well my friends, that puts you in an advantageous position in this comparison. Linebacker Ernie Simms, who spent the last few seasons in Detroit, looked like a kid at Christmas when his Philadelphia Eagles defeated his former group of whipping posts. Enough said. Savor this victory,fans.
5. A longer life expectancy than Mike Singletary, Tom Coughlin, Brad Childress,or Tom Cable. Singletary will, at some point, collapse during an awe inspiring, angry tirade, directed at the media and his players. Coughlin is rumored to be suffering from deep depression after he finally figured out which Manning he coaches. Brad Childress is riddled with pain over the prospect of working on Brett Favre's ranch after an 0-2 start. And Tom Cable knows damn well that owner Al Davis will wake up one morning and threaten to fire him if he does not start Jim Plunkett. Now who in God's name has that pressure at the local 7-11? The fan and his healthy heart wins again.
Now that I have assisted you in reaching your goals of becoming one of the NFL's elite, the call of reality drags me back to business. Both of my home phone lines are on hold with Jerry Jones and Jeffrey Lurie. And it is with great regret that I inform all of you that I turned down the head coaching job for the NY Jets. Somebody told me the camera adds ten pounds.
Coughlin is fun to watch because it always looks like he has heartburn.
ReplyDeleteYou would probably look the same way if your players were throwing their helmets into the stands. And by the way, one extra point of interest just for you. The average NFL fan would make a better wingman for big ben when he is prowling clubs, than Mike Tomlin. At least try to keep the big guy out of trouble.
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